The Storm

This is a story for the courageous and heroic souls who are willing to lose themselves in the labyrinth of                                 their Being only to find themselves in the light of their own grace.

Relationship after relationship new storms would surge, threatening to throw one of us overboard,  but I refused to take responsibility for the dysfunction emerging in each.  I wasn’t yet ready to get brutally honest with myself and own my experiences.  It was only after repeated ‘failed', or sabotaged, relationships that I began to notice a pattern - someone was always cast aside.  The biggest storm of my life hit when I reluctantly ended a relationship due to lack of support, not love, and was shortly thereafter faced with the reality that he had moved on without me, leaving me feeling abandoned, unworthy, rejected and grieving.  I felt ripped open and exposed, torn between feelings of beauty and betrayal.  He handed me a key, whether I was ready for it or not, to the door in the floor of my soul; but I was too afraid to face up to my lessons so I entered into a new relationship, unhealed, broken, and lacking a sense of wholeness.  It would be like showing up to a birthday
party with a half eaten cake and expecting no one to notice.  It’s pretty damn obvious.  Just when we were really beginning to fall into the depths of one another, both of us finally ready to move on from our past relationships, I received an email with information that abruptly halted its growth and yet again felt like an act of betrayal.  The truth is, the only person who kept betraying me was me.  You know what they say, when it rains it pours and confronting the reality that I needed to face the garbage that kept washing onto the shores of my love life was enough to shatter my ego into a million tiny pieces on the floor of my bedroom - I heaved, I begged, I shook, I sobbed; gasping for breath while asking for it to be taken away.  This may not sound like healing, but taking responsibility for the part we play in any given situation can be some of the most transformative moments of our lives - this moment was one of those moments. I was being initiated into a new level of

“We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.” - Khalil Gibran

From that moment on, I began to create a very intimate relationship with my darkness. We all have darkness, also referred to as the shadow, which represents the parts of ourselves that we deem unworthy of love. Over the years we may come to know our shadow,  but how we choose to embrace it varies as facing our perceived unworthiness isn’t an easy feat - taking responsibility for our lives can be even more of a challenge.  I believe we are faced with our shadow so that we can be exposed to our deepest wounds - our wounds are vulnerability points that cause an emotional trigger - to recognize unhealthy patterns and behaviour playing out in our lives.  Experiences are magnetized to our field based on sacred contracts we have with others and it is usually love, or the loss of love, that exposes us to the extreme light and dark of our Being. Love will pull all things unlike itself to the surface, which can result in emotional storms, allowing our brokenness to claim its presence in our
lives.  There was no way around the storm, my only right of passage was through it.

Going through heartbreak with our eyes open is very different than experiencing our shadow with our eyes shut - one involves extreme compassion and presence, the other avoidance and blame.  For the first time in my life I faced my darkness head on, shinning a light on all of the murky surfaces.  Transformation happens when we choose to face our emotional landscape; only then can we begin to see a world happening for us, not to us.  What this means is that everything we experience mirrors a part of ourselves and we must take responsibility for what we feel and how we are triggered.  A Course In Miracles says, "I am responsible for what I see.  I choose the feelings that I experience and I decide upon the goal I would achieve and everything that seems to happen to me I ask for and receive as I have asked."  Being a conscious spiritually awake person requires effort and maturity, we no longer get to blame others for how experiences make us feel: It requires being able to take a step
back and see that everything unfolding is perfect for the evolution of our souls. Our souls actually want experiences that are going to expose our deepest wounds - our unresolved issues - so that we can heal them.  Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, this exposure will happen.  It could show up in the form of loss, back pain, a car crash, illness, betrayal, etc.,  - whatever it takes to wake us up.  We have a responsibility to untangle all of our perceived inadequacies so that we may heal and assist the world in healing.  Healing has to start with the individual.

I am forever grateful that I chose to embrace my darkness.  I began to love myself anyway, knowing that everything that unfolded during that storm was for my highest good, exposing me to my deepest wounds; abandonment, betrayal, loss, and rejection.  It wasn’t the situation itself that caused my suffering, but rather my wounds.  I have learned how to connect to the sacred principals of beauty because I sailed into the darkness of disconnect and swam in the waters of self-loathing, insecurity and isolation.  I can connect with oneness, unity, and mystical knowingness because I experienced separation, ego, and doubt.  I learned that abandonment, betrayal, loss and rejection are my greatest strengths, not weaknesses, because I was brave enough to face the monsoon of these emotions rather than pacify myself.  I believe I chose, in part, to incarnate on this planet so that I could face these wounds and transcend them, helping others along the way.  The exposure of these wounds allowed
me to connect to my greatest strength, vulnerability.  Vulnerability has graced me with the authenticity to tell it like it is, the good and the bad; to ask for help, and to remain soft and open while honouring my boundaries.  We always have a choice, we can be the victim or the champion of our mental, spiritual and emotional attitudes.

We are infinitely worthy enough to create space and put energy into healing and transformation - to know that our perceived inadequacies, our 'bad luck', our 'sad stories', etc.,  are actually markers for our greatest strength.  Everything that we struggle and bargain with are gifts in our lives for the healing of ourselves and others.  Every person we meet is not by accident, they are either going through, have gone through or are going to go through something that we can help them with, and vice versa, if we are willing to face our darkness, do the work and share our story.  It doesn't matter if our message reaches one person or one million people, what matters is that we are being of highest service from our hearts.  Your story counts, you count!  So drop the oars of the familiar and paddle with your heart into unknown waters.  Don't be afraid to face the monsoon of your emotional landscape and dive into the current of buried emotions; you will reach the depths of love within and
find serenity and peace in the safety of settled waters.  We can be courageous enough to endure the storm.