I didn’t intend to stop writing. The truth is I got to a point where I didn’t feel like I could share my story. It all hurt so much. And then, one day, it didn’t.
Living in a community with beautiful souls has been one of the most expansive and rewarding experiences; I have made deeper connections than discourse can convey – and hurt a few as well. I’ve fallen in love, and out of it. I’ve broken hearts, including my own, and I’ve witnessed my emotions explode like the swing of a sledge hammer down on a striker plate at a carnival. Everything changes. Everything. I’ve felt true gratitude here, true love, and true excitement – at times, it went away: The replacement felt painful, cold, and lonely. The feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere engulfed my Spirit but I do belong somewhere, just as you do, we belong in the splendour of our own hearts. Here is how my story unfolds...
You know what they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions and good intentions I’ve had. I have intended to write more. I’ve intended to live more from my heart space. I have intended to practice yoga and meditation daily. I’ve intended to start my book. I’ve intended to start a new business. I’ve intended to write that letter. Send that email. Trust me when I say I have good intensions. Sometimes I wish people could inhabit my body for a moment to truly feel where my heart is at, and then, I realize that most people probably feel this way. We all have good intentions. It’s time we recognize what we do! Not what we planned out for ourselves. We don’t have the kind of control we think we do over our lives. Sure, we are creators, and of course our thoughts are constantly manifesting into our experiences, but, as Danielle Laporte says, "sometimes the Oracle lies for your highest good." Life is in a state of constant flux. FLOW with life. The point isn’t if and when I stopped writing. The point is that I’ve found my way back to the page, pen in hand, ready and willing to change. I choose to be better today than yesterday. But of course, that could change.
Admitting that I have little control over outcomes is hard for me. The only thing I do have control over is action. So I’ve decided to take action over my life. Small baby steps –yet again – to catapult myself into the life I was born to live. Lately I’ve been struggling with my purpose. What is my purpose? What makes me come alive? What is my WHY? Seriously ask yourself these questions, sit in silence, and wait. Before bed the other night I searched my horoscope and I would like to share some of it because I believe it holds great insight into why many people feel stagnant or stuck. Now I’m not one to fall into every horoscope as truth but this one resonated with me big time.
”The big task which challenges you in life is the issue of who you are, why you’re here, and why you’re uniquely yourself. It’s a lifelong challenge. If you can’t muster the self-esteem you need from your own inner resources, you’ll crave it like a drug from the audience. But the real journey is within, into the source of your own being. It’s in the process of creating that you find your real sense of self-value. And the Leo who learns this, and lives it, is indeed heroic.”
I couldn’t believe how spot on this was. Here are some of the things I’ve found within; in each moment of life there is a myriad of memorable mishaps – which are really just a minefield of miracles. Each mistake, every tear, every emotion of anger, jealousy, hurt, and resentment are life lessons. I’ve learned that no one can take your power away unless you give it to them. I know that what’s good and integral will always prevail over evil. I know that forgiveness starts and ends with forgiving yourself and that only you can set yourself free. I know that showing up as yourself is the most precious gift you can give. I’ve witnessed attachment and non-attachment; felt community and isolation; love and fear. I’ve learned that how people see you is directly related with how you see yourself. You always have the power to change.
I am truly blessed. I am blessed that my internal and external worlds are more in balance than ever before and it is because of my silent practice that my inner guide speaks to me, channelling through me ancient wisdom of the cosmos. I know that my personal journey is about creating. Creating mindful masterpieces to be shared with the world. For me, it is as simple as writing morning pages, small poems, blog posts, gardening, cooking, making jewellery, collecting flowers, and so on. If I am creating I feel alive! What are your intentions for you life? How do you plan to live in the moment more to ensure you are capturing the essence of life? Because from this space you can create anything! Whatever that means to you is perfect because at the end of the day it's really about listening to your inner guidance and following your heart :)