I was furious. Underneath that emotion I was hurt. I couldn't believe how triggered I was by the whole conversation. Distancing myself, I began to take a real look at my feelings and where they were coming from, but it wasn't until I was chatting on the phone with my cousin that I had a real breakthrough. She asked me why it bothered me so much, asked me what word I would use to describe its source, and flying out of my mouth was a word that had been hiding in the dark corners of my subconscious mind. The word was betrayal.
I repeated it out loud - making it tangible, palpable and sentimental - I said, "I feel totally betrayed!" The truth is, I hadn't in fact been betrayed but it did trigger these feelings of betrayal. In an instant I began to recount all of the moments in my life where I felt betrayed in a relationship, or where I had betrayed someone. My heart began to pound as a specific memory came flooding back to me. A memory in which an ultimate betrayal had taken place in my life forming a strong connection between love and betrayal.
There I was, eleven years old and sitting on the edge of my twin bed crying. My step-father had decided to redirect his 'unresolved feelings of lack of self-love' and that day my room was up for scrutinization. Opening and pulling out the contents of every drawer that wasn't tidy enough, he found his way to my diary, my innermost thoughts and feelings, my creative expression and my outlet for self-expression and discovery. I began to panic. I intuitively knew what was about to transpire. Word for word, he began to read the contents of my secret thoughts, desires and dissatisfactions, criticizing me at every stop. I cried. I pleaded. I begged. He read on. In that moment something very powerful happened, I promised myself to never be that honest about my feelings and that love couldn't be trusted.
Although years have passed and I've done plenty of work on the former, the later part of this statement was felt so clearly in that moment on the phone. It became very clear that these feelings have been suppressed deep into my subconscious mind, surfacing to be healed. I know that they are playing themselves out because many of my closest relationships have brought to surface these emotions. I am sharing this story with you as a way to shine insight onto what it is that you are being asked to confront. What feelings surface when you are going through conflict with others? What reoccurring patterns or themes present themselves to you in your life? I am not bringing up this past story to drudge up more reasons to "blame" my current reality on the "past," I bring it up because I know it is time for it to heal now. I am finally ready to look at my relationship with love and betrayal and take responsibility for beliefs I've adopted along the way. One feeling (betrayal) is rooted in fear, its counterpart (trust) is rooted in love. My journey is the journey to love. I am in no way condoning what happened and neither should you, turning the light on in the corridors of our shadowed selves begins the recognition process of where these thoughts come from and how we can heal them. If it wasn't for the flooding of this old memory, I wouldn't be able to amp up the love in the presence of fear, thereby increasing my energetic vibration. Now that this unconscious thought has become conscious, I can address it with love and compassion.
How do you move forward with your new found recognition? Well, that will vary from person to person but I will share with you how I plan to move forward. In order for me to heal this belief, I have created an affirmation around it. Since at the core my belief is that true feelings, if found out by someone I love and trust, will be ridiculed and condemned, my statement to heal it might sound like this; "I am safe to express my deepest truth and I will be met with love, compassion, honesty, and understanding. Love is a safe container for all of my feelings."
Or, since at a core level I believe that people whom you love betray you, I might want to say, "I can trust love fully and wholeheartedly. Love is a safe place to express my innermost feelings. I choose love over fear."
Lastly, I would like to take full responsibility for my own vibration of betrayal. If I'm being asked to look at feeling betrayed, I also know that I am being asked to look at how I've betrayed people and how I've betrayed myself. Because I adopted a core belief that people whom you love betray you, that usually comes with a defence against betrayal where I would occasionally betray as a means to protect myself against a projected outcome. So, it is from the deepest place in my heart that I send out an apology for the ways in which I've ever acted out of fear rather than love and elicited feelings of betrayal in another. From this new awareness I will be more conscious of my actions and always operate from my deepest level of truth found in the landscape of my heart. Sat Nam.